I’m walking this morning and thinking. Grateful for all the love that has been thrown our way. “Hey, If you need anything… just ask” it goes. “I just want you to know that we are all thinking of you.” They say. It helps. Could I go on without this support? Hugs? Kind words and prayers? I am standing today… and I think they steady my stride.
Some people tell me how strong I am. “I don’t know how you do it. I’d fall apart.” They say. And they don’t know how hollow I feel inside sometimes… or how broken inside I feel. I don’t know how I do it either… approximate normal. Perhaps it is practice.
And so… what do I need? Someone to be in the same room and breathe the same air? Walk with me? Let me talk? Let me cry? Let me be silent?
Someone to understand that right now is not a good time… and I want you to keep talking even though I am not looking at you. Or someone to write a note or a memory on Ethan’s Facebook page. I need to remember. To live in this moment.
I need to hear that song right now… the one that makes me cry.
I need your sick sense of humor to break up this mood. I need to hear laughter.
I need to talk about this today. But right now I need to talk about something else… anything else.
I need to see a family with their children… having fun.
I need woodsmoke and burnt marshmallows.
I need your honesty. I need you to let me vent. I need you to be quiet.
I need to hear about your cat. Or school. Or meatloaf recipes.
I need you to tell me a memory of my son.
I need prayers. I need purpose.
I need exercise.