In Neutral, Listening to the Engine.

In Neutral…

Feeling stuck isn’t the same as being stuck. Sometimes you start a car and in neutral (or park) you gun the engine just to hear it. Maybe it is a throaty big engine… or maybe you are listening to it to find a problem. A low rumble, a loud roar, even the whine of a four cylinder…. sometimes you gun the engine just to listen to it.

Sometimes walls are comfort. Confinement and solitude… lost in my thoughts. It isn’t always solitary confinement. I don’t actually curl up in a ball and cry. But I do want to do other things… rather than work. I want to sit for a bit and listen… listen to see if there is problems.

And I usually want people around. Sometimes it is difficult to interact. I want the freedom to excuse myself and compose myself or simply walk out and get some air… I want to be able to have friends or family around and either talk or not talk… to sit and listen to conversations

And so what if I feel like doing nothing of consequence… producing nothing… finding things to occupy my time. Who could blame me? Time is the commodity. How long can I sit and listen? How much time do I have? What if I could take a year… two years off of work and do whatever… museums, video games, books… write and paint… maybe get out and weld. Why am I not afforded this luxury. At this point, I don’t want to be an adult. I want to watch life. I want to figure it out. I want to do some things. I want to sit and listen.

Man, I can’t turn back time. I can’t come to the rescue. I can’t fix this… and I have to live the rest of my life… and I haven’t got it worked out in the least. I want to walk around… to keep busy and to keep occupied- maybe travel on my own time and own terms. I need to listen to those voices inside. I need to hear what is being said. Give me time. Give me space. Let me listen.

But a car isn’t meant to sit in neutral. It has a job. And I have a job. 

Life is stronger than death. Hope is stronger than fear. Faith is stronger than doubt. Light will drive out darkness. 

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