A thousand miles…

A thousand miles…

This is what I do six months after losing my son. 

I’m searching. I’m lost.

There is no sense to this… But I keep looking and I keep writing. 

I look at that face in the mirror and I don’t know what I see.

I got a feeling in my gut I can’t name.

This is what I do 49 years without my own father.

And I know what I lost… and for the fact that I can’t get it back

I’m wandering. 

The profound ringing of church bells

The link of burning candles

And the bright blue sky of of a white hot day of a fading summer.

And I feel dark and cold

I could beat my knuckles bloody

Or my head on the floor.

And nothing would be solved.  And I still won’t understand. 

For a touch. A memory. A return to something very, very lost.

And I have tried to describe the emotions

Giving words to a feeling that resists words.

This is what I do without direction. 

And I wander to the diagnosis… a loss of executive function.

Executive function is a set of mental processes that helps connect past experience with present action. People use it to perform activities such as planning, organizing, strategizing, paying attention to and remember details, and managing time and space.

Executive function is the beat that organizes the music in the brain…

And somehow I have lost my drummer.

The music is off tempo and out of sync

And there is no phase or rhythm

So it wanders

And motivation wanders

And I wander. 
I am searching.
A thousand miles

To find my father.

To find my son.

To find myself.

And all I find is words.

 
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