I’m not so broken I can’t see the stars.

I’m not so broken I can’t see the stars-

 

I’m not so broken I can’t see the stars

They still shine like a million distant jewels

And steal my breath with their awesome beauty. 

And I know now that I will always miss my son

And that will weigh on me, every minute of every day…

Even when I smile. Even when I laugh

That part of me is lost, stolen, and broken beyond repair.

I am sad.

Today I found a huge panda bear plush toy at Costco.

Full and fat and round and soft… Almost as big as a person.

And I enjoyed walking around the store carrying this ridiculous panda bear

And it made a little girl happy. And that made me smile. 

And I was a little sad to put him back

And the dragon

and the tiger

and the little dog, too.

I am sad.

 

I will tell you something about brokenness…

I can tell you that I am not alright.

That I need something

And I don’t know what it is…

It certainly isn’t a billion stars on a windy night

Or a giant stuffed bear.

I can tell you that when I pick up the pieces of my life

If I can find them all

And fit them back together

The one’s that remain…

That after all that I am not the same.

And I will always want my son back.

And knowing that I can’t fix that

makes me angry.

Because sometimes angry is easier than sad.

But sad is more honest. 

 

I will drop a planter with a tree… heavier than I could lift

Push it off the edge of a building and watch it drop

And gain speed

nine point eight meters per second squared

For nine stories

Onto the roof of a police car

With a loud bang and a sad plaintive whine

The glass flying off in four directions. 

 

I will laugh at a stupid joke and cry at a sad movie.
I wil sing along with the radio in my car

And I will aways want another piece of chocolate

And no matter what I seem like
I am always the kid in the class that didn’t fit in with the other kids.

I will punch a wall, that it turns out to be concrete

And watch the blood ooze from the split in my knuckle.

I will shout at the sky and shout at God

And my throat is too raw for words

And still love Him

I will cry until I have no tears left 

And then cry some more

I will be as numb as a drunk passed out on a bench

I will walk through my day

like nothing is wrong.

And I will do my job just like expected.

I will melt down

I will bleed

I will be sad

I will fake being normal.

I will hear the note

And feel the beat

And sing the song of my soul

I will force my eyes to look up

And I will ask God to lift my head

To see past this earth and the muddy ground under my feet..

To see a million distant jewels

Set in the black felt of a perfect night

Where the redwoods meet the ocean

And the waves crash like a million years…

And breath that cold air that wants for a camp fire

I’m not so broken I can’t see the stars

 

Image

 

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