I’m watching Fresno State Football… and missing Ethan. The first real winter storm this year… and closing in on Christmas break. Justin has a job… and I will have a lot of time to think. There is a grittiness to this… this thinking and pausing and remembering… the sigh and a breath and then a return to life. I can’t get around it. Every time I hear the marching band it is a mix of happy memories and that bit of emptiness in my chest that sucks away a breath.
Ethan is gone. And that isn’t changing.
Today we took out the Christmas lights… and went down the hill to buy replacements for our outdoor lights and another artificial tree. They say Christmas is hard, emotionally. And I guess that is playing out.
So I’m thinking about my next painting. Animals… maybe. Sunsets? Write some poetry… read another book. Or about a road trip. Where? Or about some welding. A display stand… Or what I will do for three weeks. And how to work through a bit more of my life. And doing is sometimes easier to think about than feeling.
It isn’t like you reach brokenness… and then the credits roll and in a week you hit a new episode and it starts over… You always… I always have this… broken, empty, sad and angry feeling. And everything– every effort… feels tired and ineffective… absolutely artificial: Pray a certain prayer. Do a special dance. Sing a song. Read the right book. Lean on a few inspirational verses. Dwell on happy memories. Feel what you feel. Don’t feel sad. Get over it. Eat right and exercise. Take some time off. Eat some chocolate. Lots of advice… Do this… don’t do that. Don’t burn bridges. Paint. Write. Talk. Suck it up and deal with it. Be with family. Don’t be numb. Stay numb.
Thank God for family. Thank God for friends that understand…