Sadness at Christmas.

Christmas is a memory rich time… so I wasn’t surprised to find myself thinking of Ethan on our fist Christmas since his passing. So watching Kung Fu Panda 2 on TV… I’m thinking of Ethan. He was shocked and entertained by the whole Panda genocide subtext… He had responded to it with laughter and mock horror. I miss that. There is a lot… lots of triggers. Lots of memories. An empty stocking. Christmas cards. It is kind of quiet this year. Subdued. There is a little bit of Ethan in everything. And he is greatly missed. 

It’s a time for magic and stories… Giving, Santa Clause. I think about all the gifts… all the decoration… everything we did to try to make each of his 20 Christmases special. And even though we didn’t always have much money, I think Marquita and I usually came through. Laughter, music, and piles of wrapping paper. I don’t have any insights to offer. No advice. Nothing to say on Christmas Eve about he meaning of the season… about love and gratitude and family. About the real message of It’s a Wonderful Life… or gifts and tamales.

After the darkest of times, life goes on. And there still are pretty lights and carols sung at Christmas. And everything will always be a little different this time of year. 

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