It has been a long time since yesterday.

It has been a long time since yesterday.
Just yesterday, I am afraid to tell people what I really think…

I will not tell you all the names I call myself.

Afraid to show them the effort that this takes

To act like you all seem to know how to act.

And when I wake up at 3 in the morning to those thoughts on infinite loop

I don’t want to share this with anyone. It has been a long time since yesterday.
Yesterday, If you really wanted to know why the radio was on so loud…
Or why the TV was on some random channel while I read a book and argued online.

Because my brain needed the stimulation. To stop that…

There is something burning on the stove… and I can’t stop thinking about the sound of… what was it…

I wanted to drive and keep driving…

Yesterday, I was terrified by the kids at school…. scared that they would reject me. And I couldn’t approximate their behavior.

And days fade into weeks, fade into months and overnight I feel so old.
Because just when life got good… this happened and it shattered my everything.
I found my feet and thought it all was under control… just yesterday

Then He found me. An experience crossing that line of faith.
I found that by reaching up, I could find help.
I found grace.
I found my voice and purpose. And the swirling thoughts stopped.
I slept all night. Every night.
And my value through the eyes of God
I found my love, my wife…
And we had two perfect boys
I found my peace.

Just yesterday. I was so happy. And my life was good. And I didn’t know…
It has been a long time since yesterday.

And then my youngest son… how I miss him.

He was afraid to tell people what he really thinks…

He would not tell you all the names he called himself.

Afraid to show them the effort that this takes

To act like we all seem to know how to act.

And when he woke up at 3 in the morning to those thoughts on infinite loop

He didn’t want to share this with anyone.
Just yesterday… he is gone.

It has been a long time since yesterday.
Tonight I reach up to heaven

With an empty hand
And I have no words
So if you want to know why I’m staring off, or I can’t talk about it.
Why I can’t move on, or let go.
Why even the most basic interaction is an act of will.
Or why I feel angry… or tired… or why I am silent.
If you really want to know why I cry when I’m alone…
Or why I walked away in mid sentence.
Or why I’m looking at the screen of my phone right now.
Yesterday, it didn’t take me so much effort to keep from slipping over the edge. And I was so certain.
And finding my way back to grace
Through the unfair… through the broken and lost… through the pain…
But this hole in my life, in my heart
It stings.
It has been a long time since yesterday.

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