It is official. I am medically sad. I think that is brilliant and I feel so much better. It is written out on a prescription pad. And he made it clear that sadness/depression is not the same as clinical depression. Either way, I have declined medication. I may not have the option of declining counseling or therapy. But first there is a blood test… to rule out other things that may look like sadness but have a more organic, less your son is dead cause.
The reason I had to visit my doctor was that I ran out of sick days. When my son died, I was given five days to grieve. On top of that I had sick days. I took a few. At first I didn’t know if I could go on or if I could make it through the day. Some days my head hurt. Some days my stomach was upset. Sometimes I just felt hopeless and lost. During the last year, I have taken a sick day whenever I suffered through a sleepless night, whenever I felt overwhelmed, and whenever I just couldn’t get things together enough to go to work. And finally I ran out of sick days. I got a notice that I am now going to be docked over $400 whenever I call in sick… starting with that last day… and there is still about 15 weeks left in the year. That isn’t good. I had to show a medical reason… mainly something called sadness… which needed to be confirmed by a doctor.
So I go in and apparently Dr. Lee… who had been Ethan’s doctor as well for a very short time. He seemed genuinely shocked and saddened and asked a lot of questions… how it happened, was Ethan depressed? How did he do it? What was the reason? I guess because he wanted to know why. Doctors are scientists at heart. And I didn’t have the answers.
He told me to lose 67 pounds. (That is more than he usually asks me to lose.) And even though my blood pressure and sugar was normal… he indicated on my chart to monitor it. I’m getting blood tests… And then he wrote my sadness note for work and printed out a sheet of instructions on how to be sad.
So at some point I’m not going to feel like going to work and I’ll have to consider if taking a day off is worth the loss in money. I think I’ll be fine. But it is nice to know that really, I’m sad.