Approaching that day with dread… and not confidence.

This weekend we kind of stayed in. Justin in LA. Marquita and I up here on the mountain. I painted a lion with a look on his face that kind of reflects how I feel. I actually kept the tones subdued…. I welded a little. We went to our Lifequest meeting at breakfast and did some shopping and then came home. My mood is all over the place.

It is the day before the anniversary of Ethan’s death. And I am anxious… about feelings and memories coming back… about a trip to Fresno. I’m tense. I’m worried. I’m not relaxed. It may come off as anger… I don’t know. But I just snapped at some friend for this “you folks” (followed with some dog shit misunderstanding of liberals wanting to give money away) comment online. He probably didn’t deserve it… but today, I want to be me… not “you folks” So I used foul language. And he responded with something to me that seemed a little mamby pamby Christian… Somehow I think he should know how I feel and adjust his comments accordingly… and that probably isn’t fair. Somehow I expect my friends to remember what this is… this week… and to recognize how difficult this is without me having to explain it in detail. I want them to put up with my foul mood and return my unfair and abrupt expletives and gruff anger… with love and compassion and understanding. Even if they don’t even know that this is the anniversary of his death….

And maybe that is a broader lesson. Maybe we always should do that… not return evil for evil, turn the other cheek, and be above all things compassionate and understanding… no matter what kind of unfair and gruff treatment people give us. Perhaps we don’t know and really can’t understand what they are going through… and so no matter what, we should love them. Maybe that is Jesus’ ultimate message… even if you reject me, beat me and kill me… I will still return with love. 

Today, tomorrow… maybe for a bit… I may not be very Christ like. Forgive me. And even though I may act like a jerk right now and push I need to recognize that now more than any other time is when I need you and when I should be thankful that you are putting up with me. The other lesson I learned… was last year… when I had no strength to stand… others held me. I am grateful. They picked me up and became my strength. God provided… and that tomorrow… no matter what happens or how I feel, that love will be there for me to lean on, to breathe in, to hear and to see… and believe me when I say that I am grateful for that. 


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