One year…

It is unbearably sad to lose a child. And on the anniversary of his death I can tell you that nothing in my life has been this difficult. It sucks and I can’t really express the degree and depth, the emotional devastation… and the fact that grief will kick your ass physically as well as emotionally. I feel older. I feel tired… worn out.

This is part of my family history… part of my personal history. And although you don’t want to think of thee profoundly negative event in your life as significant, this is as significant as it gets.

I miss Ethan. His laughter and humor… his intelligence and insight… his passion. Trivia, bizarre and eclectic tastes, interesting perspectives… his profanity, and our conversations.  I miss the fact that he still believed that I could do anything. I wish I could find out how his story would have ended if not for that night one year ago… I wish I could see what kind of musician he was going to be, and what kind of teacher he would have made.

I think as a family we are moving on and doing okay. I don’t think I’m the same person. And I think that in many ways that my life is in a flux, that it is largely unsettled. I can see Marquita and Justin and how strong they are… how much they love life… and I can see that some idea, some sketchy vision of the future is forming. There is still laughter and joy and beauty in life. God is good. At least I know that beyond pain and grief that there is a life ahead… and in spite of being empty… bereft of one important person… it will be a good life.

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