So papers didn’t get graded and the house didn’t get painted. And I now have the weekend to get ready for Monday: The Return to Work. At some point I was supposed to write my black belt paper… this thesis thingy that was supposed to be turned in with the physical and skills test two years ago… but I didn’t get around to writing that during this break. And on top of not painting the house… I did not finish any of the half dozen other projects around the house.
But the cats have their shots. I read a few more chapters of one book… and ran quickly though another that has some great illustrations in it. I visited Vegas with Flea… and stopped at pretty much every reality TV site in the city, as well as the outdoor neon and mob museums.
And I feel pretty rested.
I thought about my spiritual health, my emotional health, my psyche… how I am dealing with grief. And I have reached the conclusion that healing and health really isn’t what I would think it is… It isn’t about fixing what is broken inside so much as being okay with not being alright. Grieving is learning to live in thinner air… it is stumbling forward without something essential and re imagining a future that is distinctly different than that future you used to imagine. It is a familiar meal without your favorite ingredient. It is watching your favorite show after one of your favorite characters has left. It is moving on… without. And “without” encompasses all you miss in the person you miss– living with it is living without him. Life without… sucks. And grieving is realizing that this part of life… the life without, is okay.