When I get past all the tears…
the screaming in my car and pounding the steering wheel…
The days when I don’t want to get up off the floor.
When I get past the depth of loss staring out for a thousand miles
And the fact of the fact of the fact
And I start to act like one of those living people I see…
When I find there is no other way to say that my heart is broken
And I have come to terms with forever
Forever without you…
Life is not so bad.
It isn’t just a life of shadows and ghosts
Of memories and pain
Of confusion and sadness and misplaced anger
Of tear brought on by random things like a color
a song, a smell… the sound of a stranger’s voice.
Living is possible.
And for everything that changed… Hot winds and Spring sun are still the same
But it isn’t the life I had. And it will always be missing more than just my son.
He was a mission critical element
And now returning to base for retasking, I realize that not only did his loss jeopardize the mission
That “the mission” has now failed…
And as we leave the safety of the base once again
The objectives have changed
The strategies and tactics will be adapted to the current situation
The battles will all be different from here on out
And in fighting them… so will I.