I do know that things change… that I change over time… and that the sharp edges left from that shattering will soften and round over time… Healing does take time.
So today I saw that a couple of people were reading this angry tirade I wrote back a year ago December… I don’t know if I was a little embarassed or sad or what… It isn’t something that I think represents me now… and it isn’t how I would respond now. I would much rather mend relationships then make enemies. Healing does take time.
About six months ago, another Christian “brother” laid into me with some kind of pain and anger laced tirade… that was terribly confusing and a little frightening. Our “conversation” went on for two days… which was basically me getting cussed out and accused and him refusing to tell me really what specifically I had done. (Except of course that I had disagreed with his opinion and been judgmental, opinionated, and intolerant.) It seemed aggressive and almost threatening in attacking what he sincerely felt was some kind of wrong I had done to him.
“…You are an over the top ass. You don’t have to believe like anyone. But you have no business being an asshole to everyone. And you spoke outa line over and over again. You have 0 tolerance for anyone who doesn’t think like you. But more than that only a flamin asshole liberal could come to you for prayer. You judge mental cocksucker. It’s your way or no way and you are wrong. Read your messages. Though I don’t think like you so the olive branch won’t be recognized you!!!!!! Ugh fuckhead…”
It continued. I tried not to return insult in kind or to do anything defensively until I could figure out what specifically I had done that offended him. But his responses were a jumbled mess of accusation, profanity, and christianese that really left me without answers.
And so I blocked him. And it was much much more sad than angry. I do miss him and his family. And about mending…. it is something I’d love to do. But I’m reading my angry post from December a year ago… and I know that anger is still there. Whatever I may want, the strength to be a bit better… it isn’t there yet. Not all the edges are worn off… and really, I don’t think I could carry the weight of bridge building or that I need relationships that take that much effort.
I’ve though about it at various times during the summer… and thought about what I might say if I ran into him… or if I should reach out… or if I should talk about this at all or just let it go. Healing takes time.
That this really is not about the hurt I have suffered from someone else. It is about healing. About keeping my life simple and drama free… recognizing my own weakness… and not having to fix everything and everyone or having to need to be liked or needed or to be perfect.
So I pray. I heal. I hold my tongue as much as I can… and I try not to look back- either with regret or anger… Healing does take time.