Tender, quiet, gentle mercy.

IMG_1245

I can disguise my pain and hide my fears.
I have learned how to do that. With a smile.

But sometimes I drift off. And I really didn’t hear you just now.
Children get older and move away.

That is the way it should be.

And it should be a little sad to watch them fly off on their own.
Dreams and heart aches, and stumbles up to mountain top victories

A whole life…
And that life you built together splits into two.
But when my boy died… it took all of that away
Losing that was more that I could bear
I would have loved to be a little sad.
That would be a mercy.
But now every memory is both a salve and a mouthful of broken glass.
Even months and months away from the shock and the fog
There is a rawness and edge to the pain
And over and over again, I miss him, and I grieve and I …

…I can’t make sense of it

Of the loss
Of the pain

I can’t make sense of any of it
Of the fact that he is gone
Of the fact that I can’t fix it.

I am getting older and those doubts I have carried my whole life

…have become so heavy.

And I suppose it is natural for me to look at my beautiful wife…
And wonder what she sees in me.
But can you look into my eyes and see me?
Or have I lost that as well?

I don’t know what to do
I don’t know what to do with my hands or with myself
And my life is an untied shoe
And I left the door open and the dog got out
And I cut my hand on a broken glass in the sink
…even though the cut was small it bled
And rather than bind it up I stood there
Red drops dripping into the stainless steel basin.
Shoe untied
Dog running loose

I doubt myself.
I am lost

And looking for mercy and grace.

Tender and quiet and gentle.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s