Feelings… raw. And yeah, I am being sensitive.

I’m in a pissy mood.
Tired of being ignored or talked down to. Tired of being attacked in discussions. Sensitive to those who don’t understand, or don’t give me credit for my life experiences and intelligence.

Someone said something and I probably took it wrong. Hey…
i ask, “Do you value our friendship.” I’m really tired of his constant negative trolling. He bobs and weaves, but gives no answer. Tries to turn it back… and then announces…
“You have to earn my friendship.” (What kind of ego is that???)

I thought about this and I answered politely as I could. “Why?”
I didn’t say, “Well then fuck off, leave me alone go away. Your “friendship” isn’t serving me well.”
I don’t get that game. I don’t really need that… what an asshole. I hope he stays away from me.

So I was reading this paper- an entry ticket… and it said to take it to this window and get that pass… I had asked weeks ago if Justin wanted to go on a Monday and get it taken care of… But my wife and son told me I had it wrong… and a walk around and $150 dollars later, I wanted to say, “I told you so.” We had fun anyway. But they weren’t actually listening to me when I was speaking the first time when they decided I didn’t know what I was reading… so your know… it doesn’t matter. It isn’t on purpose. I guess I should just shut up.

And after running two miles every Saturday and some Sundays alone and buying running shoes, when I don’t speak up… My wife asks my son if he wants to register for the Run Through Redlands… but doesn’t sign me up. “I didn’t think you wanted to,” she says. “You weren’t training.” It isn’t on purpose. She doesn’t want to run with me… and she has no time to work out with me.

I’m thinking, I hate running. And fuck it. No one wants to train with me. And when the event comes I’d be running by myself. So really it doesn’t matter. I’d only do it to spend time with my people… and they don’t really care to do that.

Depressed. Like no one really listens.

Like people dismiss me. Do they really think I can’t read? Or that I’m stupid?

I feel ignored. And it hurts sometimes. So I try to tell myself it doesn’t matter… that I’m being sensitive… not to read into it.

And so little matters these days. So little has any weight or bearing.

But I miss the way Ethan seemed to listen to me and give weight to my words. He didn’t dismiss what I was saying or think I was being too sensitive… or assume that I misread the instructions. I really got nothing… no one now that looks at me like that…

I miss that.


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