So again I fall apart. Slowly. Gently.

When my brother… the middle son, blew out his intestines and ended up in intensive care, I worried.
And I thought about dropping everything to visit…

As he moved from ICU to a rehab facility back to his apartment…

But I have very little to say, and of all the things needed to be done

Paperwork for disability, tracking down checks, securing food and care… getting him settled back home…

I did nothing.
But worry a bit…. and pray.
And then something bit my leg and it swelled into some comic leg foot thing…
Like a cartoon leg drawn by a child.
And I finally went down to urgent care and got a shot in my hip to keep me breathing.
And meds that made me itchy and feeling anxious
And I worry about Paul… about his long run prognosis
And I am very grateful that his daughter, Alicia stepped up and handled everything.

The bite was bad and put me down for three days…
But it resolved.
Except that I have sores on the tops of my feet.
Doctor says it isn’t ringworm
It’s minor. Shallow. More like abrasions… Are you sure you aren’t scratching?
(It doesn’t itch or hurt… so no…)
And I get some ointment

Don’t wear shoes…

And now my mom is in the hospital
After severe dehydration and kidney failure
After my oldest brother…
The one who watches over things
Found her unable to really move or walk or talk much

From four days of diarrhea… some stomach bug or something.
And he had to talk her into going into the hospital
Because… mom.
That is how she is.
And I visited her on Sunday
But yesterday I had to be at the doctors for my feet
And then back again for my friend, Chuck’s colonoscopy
And so there is so little I can say
And nothing to do
But worry… and pray.
I worry about her long term prognosis
At 89. What happens now?

And next week it will be two years since Ethan died
That has been weighing heavily…
And it may have nothing to do with this feeling of discouragement
And allergic reactions to bug bites
And sores on my feet
And this anxious feeling.
And gaining weight
And missing five days of work over three weeks.

Or it may have everything to do with it.

Some of it. Any of it. All of it.
So again I fall apart.
This time slowly. Gently.
I sip tea
And quietly I worry
And pray.


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