Grief, Anxiety and sunrise.

I feel like crying and I want to stay home. There really is nothing wrong… nothing driving this except that date coming up. The date on which my youngest son took his life. And so when I walk the dog and snap a photo of the sun rise, there is a bit of something in the difficulty I have breathing… that feels like anxiety… or sadness… and my mind races ahead to later in the day, and the thought that maybe, I might just break down crying in front of my class. But I go on. I walk the dog and talk to her… I talk to myself. I pray. And it really isn’t likely that I am going to sit somewhere and cry… or that after missing five days of work in two weeks because of various other reasons, that I will miss work today.

That feeling. It seems to precede any cause or stimulus. It just is. And in some degree I guess it is always there… so that bit of anxiety… that heavy sadness… right below the surface. Is it waiting for a date on a calendar? Or a hitch in my breathing… a spot of bronchitis? Or a missed deadline… a certain degree of stress brought on by life… Or is it waiting for a trigger? A song? A voice in a crowd? An old photo?
I will move on. I will go on with today… and chances are my anxieties are unfounded and the numbers on the calendar are just numbers…

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