I wish I could turn it off sometimes.

I wish I could turn it off sometimes…

I think too much.
I wonder what is harder, those days when I see your face everywhere
Or those day when I struggle to remember what it was like to have you alive.

And I wish I could turn it off.
Those triggers that bring tears… Where even happy pictures push that button.

That song. That voice in a crowd. That milestone. That smell.
Where a mother and her newborn leave me wanting…
I wish I could turn it off.

The thoughts that keep me awake. The lines of dialogue in my head.
That thought that I should be able somewhere in this world to find a rewind button.

I wish I could go back. I wish I could turn off the calendar.

And go back and fix it.
I wish I could stop asking myself why… and wondering what if…
I wish the questions could just be moved to a lower setting.
And I could enjoy this moment.
I wish I could take a break and stop
Stop thinking. Stop caring. Stop wanting.
Turn down the emotions
Feel less.
I wish I could stop mourning you… and breathe
Somehow stop missing you… so I can live like I used to.

But you are my son and always will be…
And I love you.
I can’t turn that off.

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