I wish I could live.

I wish I could live.
I wish I could live, like I used to live
In that world where there was light.
When I knew who I was
And something was somehow normal.
I wish joy still felt like joy
And laughter didn’t feel odd
And the future looked like something good.

I wish I could live without this pain in my gut.
And I wish I could forget and still remember.

Or that feeling. I can’t even tell you what it is- permanently stunned?
I wish I could live without this feeling of emptiness…
Without feeling like I’m in some nightmare
And I wish I could still hear music without crying
I wish I could talk and keep track of it.
And food tasted like it used to
And something hadn’t eaten away at me.

or awake from it past midnight, waiting for a dawn that never comes.
without this feeling of loss and loss and loss
Like all the air was pulled out of the room,
I wish I could live
without pushing people away
I wish I could still be the way I used to.
I wish I could live

without looking like a dumb fuck all the time because I don’t feel like being here
all the time everywhere. And breathe without that deep sigh. Or without
Staring off. Or chattering like an idiot. Or just not being able to hold a conversation.
I wish I could live in today. And not the past. Not yesterday.
I wish I could live like I used to
Or be the man I used to be
I wish I could hug my son, one more time. Forever.

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