Discouraged.

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Things are not going well. I am discouraged and my spirits seem to be sinking ever slowly into some sad, slow, darker place.
For a couple of weeks I think.

The tree we planted for Ethan was not doing well. The leaves were curling and drying. I increased the water and added nutrients to the soil, but it continued to limp along, and seemed to get sicker. My friend Dan, a certified arborist came buy and assessed the poor tree and said it was probably getting too much sun. He advised that I move it to a shadier area and then under some shelter during the winter. He also talked about some long term pruning that I would have to do…

I can’t let it die.

So I bought one of those plastic lugs. It was pretty shop worn- scuffed up and faded, and the last one in the whole warehouse store, and even though it wasn’t too costly, I still think the store should have given me a discount. But it works.

I bought two bags of soil. And today, after some thunderstorms, I dug out the tree and moved it nearer to a large pine and the tori gate, hoping that it would there get a good mix of sun and shade. And I hope it helps.

Veronica Guzman died of a stroke. We had spoken briefly on facebook after she posted on Thursday that she had a minor stroke, but seemed to be largely unharmed and was resting in the hospital. By Saturday, she was on life support. By Sunday she was gone. And even though I wasn’t close to her it felt awful. I don’t know what to say.

At school, I got dragged into the drama involving a former teacher, and a whole line of conversation I had with him online… and now there are these phone calls with lawyers and depositions and papers to sign.

And everything really seems to be slipping. I had a friend who I cherished tell me that my friendship was of no value to him. That he was basically ending any thought of being my “family” because he thought I could give him nothing. And that act cast this strange pall over all the support he and his wife have given us through this mourning. And it weighs heavily. I find my thoughts wandering into uncertainty. And now I’m questioning whether any or some or all of the support I have recieved from my extended “family” was real… or was I somehow alone.

In Running Springs there was a fatal shooting. Some kind of argument or grudge resulting in one fatality, one injury and in the absence of facts rumors and speculation and gossip grow in this small town.

And I seem to be fraying a bit. And so I wonder where to go. Where to seek support. Where to look for help. Is it time to cut and run away? Is it time to talk to professionals. What would work What would be healing? And I honestly don’t know.

Sad. Slow. Dark. It seems to be settling in around me. Pulling. Surrounding me.

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One thought on “Discouraged.

  1. For what it is worth, Sabro, my Dad had a saying he used to say to me when things seem to be spinning out of control. He said, “Rog, it is always darkest before the dawn and the Sun always comes up. So remember, Rog, in every cloud there is a silver lining, you just have to always look for it.” I know this might sound kinda Corny, but my Dad was a wise man and I always listened to him. You know, Sabro, I am almost 80 now and I still think of what he said when things get kind of rough. I know that I value your friendship and I’m really glad that I have met you. ………………………………MrG

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