I haven’t written much in the last week except for a draft of a few things that I decided not to post. Mostly prose. Some poetry. Sometimes you run into issues, and I think right now it is that it seems like I am repeating things that I have already written before.
One of them was written after I thought about putting a bit of peppermint in my coffee. I started thinking about how the way things break reveals a lot about the characters and property of the material and I was going to relate it back to grief and the way people break.
But I think I have done that before.
I have been painting. Lots and lots of koi. Well over a dozen and sales have been very good. I have done over 20 paintings and sold a dozen in the last month. I have been remiss at posting them here- something that I intend to remedy later. Today we are going to check out a rental house for Derek and then head down to get rid of a closet full of junk, buy more canvases and maybe plywood to finish off this shed.
I’ve been feeling pretty good this break… better than in the last two years. October was a bad month in terms of depression. December has been much better. And it means that I have been putting off a list of things- like doctor stuff… I should do after speaking about grief with my friend Jimmy, who is a doctor. I should do it while I have the time off.
Sometimes people notice that I am sad. Three different people have tried to cheer me up by trying to tell me that I shouldn’t feel guilty. I listened. And I don’t actually feel guilty about my son’s death. Guilt isn’t the thing.
I will never see my son again. I will never hear him laugh. We don’t get to go see the new Star Wars. I didn’t buy him a Christmas present. I don’t get to see him struggle through a romance, get married, and settle down to have a family. I don’t get to go to his Senior recital. That what dead is.
And that is a reality I have to accept. I don’t feel guilty about it. But I do feel sad. A little sad all the time. Sometimes more than a little sad.
And part of grieving is the will to be okay with that.