I know the lies the darkness tells. I heard them long ago. I hear them now.
It is the sound of loneliness. It is the sound of doubt.
And I know that they took my son away. I know he heard them, too.
I know how those voices took my fear and made it seem like logic
And took anxiety and made it seem like stone.
I know once that I was losing weight and coughing
And tired so tired. And I could hear it saying, “lie down.”
And the doctors drew blood and more blood and took tests.
And then the pain started. And the future faded a bit.
We don’t really know what is wrong. But it isn’t good. It looks like an autoimmune response. Something with your blood she said.
And the darkness told me to lie down and not get up again.
And give in to doubt and loneliness. Lie down
I know how often I wanted to run. To go away. And the only reason I did not was that I had nowhere to go. And somehow in my memory it is always raining.
The darkness says the tears will never end. And that my fears are real.
And that this rain will never stop until it washes me away.
And that in the end I am all alone. And there is a longing in my soul that will be never, ever filled. So said the darkness.
And somedays are harder than others. Somedays I am tired or jittery.
Or I can’t seem to focus and then the fear sets in and the voice grows louder.
And I know that there is one way to make it stop. It is to lie down,
And I hear over and over again that there is nothing to live for
And that no one will miss me. And that it would be easier, you know…
So I lie down alone in the dark with the sound of my heartbeat
And the hundreds of words in my heard.
And I just wish I could breathe in deep- a dream of love.
But a very simple faith saved me.
Not some complicated set of rules. Not a religion.
But a simple faith.
And a voice that said, “Lie down… and rest. Lie down and breathe.”
And I knew that this was love and what the darkness said was not true.
And I was certain that this rain would wash me clean.