This morning I ran 3 miles. Actually more than half is probably quick walking and the rest is an unsteady jog.
Yesterday was my nephew’s wedding and it was just this side of awesome. It was casual and fun and light and my family was there celebrating. Even the Chico heat seemed to have held back for the event.
I was a bit disappointed that my older son had to work… and that he missed all this. And I know he would have enjoyed this. Perhaps he would have even danced with his cousins and their friends.
And at one point I became overwhelmed. I had to leave and go walk out in the heat… in the lengthening shadows of a dry hot Chico day. I had to pass the fronts of idle machine shops and industrial businesses. And simple step out of the music and lights and away from happy people.
Grief, I am reminded, is the price we pay for love. And celebration and family and music and love will remind me that my son is gone. That he is missing this moment, that he should be here for… and he would be funny and loud and he would have danced. And I can have fun and be social and celebrate and hold back these feeling for only so long… and then it seems to weigh too much… and I no longer want to talk and laugh and certainly not dance. And the more I try to take my mind off of it… the more I am swept up in it.
Ethan is missing from my life now in a very physical sense. And every event is one that he is missing. And there are a great many he would have enjoyed. And I think that is okay. That feeling that he should be here… in person, not in just spirit… is a part of that grief/love thing. It is proof that I have not let go of what should be, of how it should be. That thing that every father hopes for his son… about family, about weddings, and dancing.
I did not want to leave when Marquita suggested it. I thought maybe I could catch my breath and rest for a bit… but by the time we got back to the house where we were staying… I realized not only how tired I was, but the nature of how I was fatigued. I have to take things as they come and there is nothing either unusual or wrong about that.
The truth is that I had a good time and my wife cared about me to know when I had too much. And there is nothing bad in that.