The Blur and the Noise and the Mess he left behind.

There was this boy in my life… my boy… a blur of motion.

From his birth, to being held in his mother’s arms… he was beautiful.
I had no fear. I had only love.
And he was a blur, really. Noisy. Active. He was a song.

And he grew and started talking and wouldn’t stop.
So many words.
There were messes… where things just “sploded”
And bath time, and clean your room.
And sometimes expensive things got broken.
I can hear that certain tone, like a siren… Of his mother calling out his name.
Exasperated… at the blur and the noise and the mess he left behind.
And he had a tentative courage about him. And a certain sweetness. And school and attempts at sports and hanging out… promise and potential and noise.
It was a beautiful song. Complicated.
Marching band and trips and family vacations and camping out…
And there was music and food and things to do.
And he would grow frustrated and could not sleep
And sometimes he could not feel the love around him.

Kids grow up.
It came time to let him go as it does with all the beautiful children.
He danced away looking fearless… he was a blur
Fading into freedom and promise and all that potential.
But we could never know the fear or the noise that tormented him
The frustration. The sleepless despairing. The dissonant noise…
Nor how much we would really have to let him go… until that night when the phone rang.
It just ‘sploded.
The blur and the noise and the mess he left behind.

It was now a matter of fact. Some kids at the brink of independence… die.
For some in that moment there seems to be too much pain
And no answers on this side of eternity.
And so the music stopped, by his own hand.
And even as the sound rushed in my ears… it all stopped then … the music

There was a time for me to cry. To wail and bawl and curl up on the floor holding my knees… but even that passes in a blur… And too soon I go back to work and stuff… Do you hear it?

And a new life began.
A sadder, slower song.
And something beautiful was missing.
The blur and the noise and the mess he left behind.

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