After Ethan, my youngest son died by his own hand the topic of suicide was never far from my mind. And I have at times considered following him down that dark path. Somehow though, no matter how confused my thinking or foul my mood was it never got passed that “T-Chart” stage where I weighed the pluses against the minuses. I might be miserable at times, but I’m not in that kind of deep and unendurable pain. Not only do I have things to live for, I actually do, in a real sense, want to keep on living… if nothing more simply to see what is going to happen next.
I have read up on suicide. I have studied and spoken about suicide prevention. I have looked at charts and stats and tables and considered at times going into some sort of career in suicide prevention.
And then on Sunday I was confronted again with the reality of suicide when a friend by text threatened to end it all. Right there. Calmly and dispassionately, he was checking out and would I mind terribly looking after his girlfriend? And then silence as he went missing for 24 hours… turning up a thousand miles away (with my car)… safe and now in a hospital. I went through some of the worst emotional turmoil since learning of my son’s death.
But it turned out okay. I guess.
So I think about this blog. I have been asked to put it into a book. I think about how that might work. About editing and refining. About cleaning it up and targeting the message a bit cleaner. I have been told by some that I have saved a life… a loved one… himself… herself… by reading some of the stuff I have blogged.
It was never meant to be a book. I wanted to share… and that was important. But I think it is more important that I write this for myself. To sort that out and calm some of the anxious run away thoughts in my head. I have to admit that I think most of it isn’t very good… and what is reasonably good isn’t too original. But it is a good thought.
Saving a life.
I’d like to do that. Yeah, saving an actual physical life… but saving a spiritual life would be even more awesome. Saving a social life, an academic life, an emotional life… all of this would make this journey a little more worth while. Saving a life– even the thought makes life worth living.