Thoughts on Suicide

After Ethan, my youngest son died by his own hand the topic of suicide was never far from my mind. And I have at times considered following him down that dark path. Somehow though, no matter how confused my thinking or foul my mood was it never got passed that “T-Chart” stage where I weighed the pluses against the minuses. I might be miserable at times, but I’m not in that kind of deep and unendurable pain.  Not only do I have things to live for, I actually do, in a real sense, want to keep on living… if nothing more simply to see what is going to happen next.

I have read up on suicide. I have studied and spoken about suicide prevention. I have looked at charts and stats and tables and considered at times going into some sort of career in suicide prevention.

And then on Sunday I was confronted again with the reality of suicide when a friend by text threatened to end it all. Right there. Calmly and dispassionately, he was checking out and would I mind terribly looking after his girlfriend? And then silence as he went missing for 24 hours… turning up a thousand miles away (with my car)… safe and now in a hospital. I went through some of the worst emotional turmoil since learning of my son’s death.

But it turned out okay. I guess.

So I think about this blog. I have been asked to put it into a book. I think about how that might work. About editing and refining. About cleaning it up and targeting the message a bit cleaner. I have been told by some that I have saved a life… a loved one… himself… herself… by reading some of the stuff I have blogged.

It was never meant to be a book. I wanted to share… and that was important. But I think it is more important that I write this for myself. To sort that out and calm some of the anxious run away thoughts in my head. I have to admit that I think most of it isn’t very good… and what is reasonably good isn’t too original. But it is a good thought.

Saving a life.

I’d like to do that. Yeah, saving an actual physical life… but saving a spiritual life would be even more awesome. Saving a social life, an academic life, an emotional life… all of this would make this journey a little more worth while. Saving a life– even the thought makes life worth living.

 

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2 thoughts on “Thoughts on Suicide

  1. Dear Sabro, you probably don’t remember me, my name is Cathy, and I worked with Marquita at Homes and Land in Arrowhead. I knew Ethan, his life was full of activities and questions when he came in the office. He was adorable and seemed quite full of life.
    So I was quite shocked and saddened of his sudden departure. I have been reading your letters of grief since you started writing.
    To make a long story a little bit shorter, my grandson, who just turned 17 in April, decided he was so miserable, and had suffered so long, he too started to say his goodbyes to all his friends. This hit home like a ton of bricks had fallen on us. His mother was in denial and shock.
    I re-read all of your letters, and Sabro, your letters jolted me into action.
    He was admitted to Loma Linda behavioral Clinic, and was there for a few weeks. He was educated about his mental illness and is seeing a therapist, and a psychiatrist.
    My grandson said God and his family saved his life, but I got the strength through your letters to take immediate action.
    So, thank you, with all my heart.
    Cathy Surgeon

    Liked by 1 person

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