Can I remember what it was like before you died?
What anything was like…
Before that phone call in the early morning…
Do I remember what the sky looked like…
Do I know what I did that day…
Or how it was… complaining about small things?
Can I find what it felt like in the mornings before that news- your news.
when my feet hit the floor in the morning?
How did I used to look at the days?
Was I worried about money and my weight?
I know my heart was not as heavy.
But when I spoke to God
Did I know He was listening?
When I looked at people, did they strike me the same way?
What did I want before you went away?
Did food taste the same? Did music sound the same?
Because now it all makes me sad.
Can I recall what it sounded like when rain fell on the roof?
We spoke by text about Philippe’s… sandwiches and hot mustard.
And then, not long after, a voice told us that you were dead.
And I knew it was true.
That was the last conversation we ever had.
Did I tell you I loved you?
And what did the sunset look like on that evening that you died?
Was it beautiful?
I don’t really know.
The pain of that moment.
It divides my life, like day from night.
Who was I before… and who am I now?
And sometimes those old memories seem like
they belong to someone else.