When you look in my eyes.

I’ve written this before
And maybe one day I will write it again… maybe better.
I was driving up the mountain and looking out over this glorious mix of purples and oranges and a streak of deep vermillion
And I got this mix of both sadness and something like dread
Dread… like that time when walked into that store and it was empty
Spooky. You looked in the back for a clerk.
Or that time in a market as a child when you realized that hand you were holding

Wasn’t mom’s.
And I know something was falling apart… something of mine.
That face that I put on in the morning that says I am okay
That voice I affect that says I am confident
The walk, the clothes the smile that says I am here
And communicate to you that I am alive and I am well.
But if you look in my eyes, you know that it is a lie. All a lie.
It’s a construct. Me.
It is a result of a practiced battle… a morning kata
Get up and speak to myself.
I tell myself that God is good and life is out there.
To be awesome. To awesome the shit out of life.
And it works. It is a prayer.
It drives away the darkest shadows.
And shakes off that two tons of weight
And so I go.

And I see this sunset… yeah, God is good.
But in that moment I am lost and aching.
In that sunset is the beauty and peace that I long for
That my soul reaches out for.
And it is in that moment, everything that I have lost… is there
And that construct, crumbles.
All I am is scared and alone in the darkness.
And that is what you will see
If you look in my eyes.

 

 

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3 thoughts on “When you look in my eyes.

  1. Sabro

    We’ve met. I’m Israel’s and Micah’s aunt.

    I remember when Ethan died. I prayed for your family. But, I don’t know how bad it is to have a child die until my son. Brady died in March.
    I know it helps to talk and write. I do it too.
    Micah and Kathy suggested I read your blog and I’m glad I do because it confirms I’m not crazy or overboard.

    Thank you for sharing a very broken, painful place.
    I know

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am hoping your writings are helping you. You are not alone Sabro, you have so many friends that are here for you, please remember this.

    Jeanne

    Like

  3. Sabro once again I read your posts and get a peaceful feeling that I am not crazy. Dreading the 1st moment as I awake, as the holidays approach the heaviness in my heart makes my first breath harder to take. I have also started a journal so I can go on with my day, knowing I can put these feelings onto blank pages. Allowing me to continue my day not being weighed down. Thank you for being an inspiration to me by showing me there’s a way to continue loving my son and still live.

    Like

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