I’ve written this before
And maybe one day I will write it again… maybe better.
I was driving up the mountain and looking out over this glorious mix of purples and oranges and a streak of deep vermillion
And I got this mix of both sadness and something like dread
Dread… like that time when walked into that store and it was empty
Spooky. You looked in the back for a clerk.
Or that time in a market as a child when you realized that hand you were holding
And I know something was falling apart… something of mine.
That face that I put on in the morning that says I am okay
That voice I affect that says I am confident
The walk, the clothes the smile that says I am here
And communicate to you that I am alive and I am well.
But if you look in my eyes, you know that it is a lie. All a lie.
It’s a construct. Me.
It is a result of a practiced battle… a morning kata
Get up and speak to myself.
I tell myself that God is good and life is out there.
To be awesome. To awesome the shit out of life.
And it works. It is a prayer.
It drives away the darkest shadows.
And shakes off that two tons of weight
And so I go.
And I see this sunset… yeah, God is good.
But in that moment I am lost and aching.
In that sunset is the beauty and peace that I long for
That my soul reaches out for.
And it is in that moment, everything that I have lost… is there
And that construct, crumbles.
All I am is scared and alone in the darkness.
And that is what you will see
If you look in my eyes.