Finding Heart

I was 49 years old when my son took his life. He was 20.
And there is part of me stuck back then… a moment frozen.
But time moved on and life moves on
And I move with it… battling back.
Because you see, when he took his life, he took my heart.
Or so I thought.
Just as life went on and time went by
My heart somehow survives and moves
And yeah, I feel so much older and grayer and slower…
And there is no battle to go back… only forward. Always forward.
Drifting with the stream or swimming against the current.
I will never be 49 again. And I will never hold my son or hear his laughter
In this life
And you can only decide how you will go… not when or where
The stream will keep flowing forward. And somehow I will go with it.
I have to work and eat and pay bills and wash the car and take the trash to the curb.
Nothing really stops, so I just have to keep going. Keep from going under.
I have had to find heart.
And then there is fear and anxiety and stress.
Since that moment every worry seems more intense.
And time keeps marching on.
When all of the colors seemed to go gray and I though I could feel nothing…
Then anxiety drifted in… and I could feel that. Pulling at me like weeds in the dark.
There was that… losing heart. Losing resilience. Losing that bit of endurance. .
And so finding heart was finding that. And it was breathing. And finding the present moment. Moving with the stream. Keeping above water.
And yeah, sometimes I feel awful. Sometimes I feel cheated or broken or just fucked.
But I feel. And I breathe.
And I guess that sometimes it does feel like things are getting better.
Sometimes it feels like things are okay.
And I find myself so far from that moment.
I can feel the air in my lungs.
Find heart.
Breathe.

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One thought on “Finding Heart

  1. I hope you will stay strong for your son during Thanksgiving. Please give thanks to God for the beautiful years you shared with your son, no one can ever take that away from you.

    Jeanne

    Like

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