And then my heart says…

I’m driving and listening to music and there is this definite split… between what I know and this compulsive, irrational thirst… this emptiness…
And I know, I know, I know
I know what it was like five years ago to get the news over the phone and to know that it was true. I know what long silent drives are like. I know what memorial services are like. I know what it is like to be a parent that has outlived a child.

I remember the time I said goodbye to his body. To look at a face with no life. To touch this head and to feel how cold his skin was. And the truth was undeniable.
But I will look for him… I feel for warmth and breath and life… and I will always want a future that isn’t going to happen.
I know I have a different future. I know that I have another son. I know I have a wife. I know that everything is okay. I know to breathe, to be thankful, to count my blessings. I know to remember the best, to take my time, and to appreciate the now… but still, my heart keeps looking.

I was thinking about Ahab… and this compulsive search taking him further and further away from shore, from profitability, from sanity.
I am a father who has lost his son. And I know he is gone. Dead. Lost to my touch. Gone from sight. Gone silent.
By my heart keeps seeking… but I know he is gone and it doesn’t matter what I know.
I know he is not in the crowd, by I look for him. I hear him in the rush of voices. But he is not there. But I will look and listen. I will want something. I will wait for someone. I will keep seeking, keep searching, even though I know. I know. I know.
He is not here, and he and he is not in the ashes in the urn.
He is not in the photos. They are just pictures. And no matter what comfort a thing, a memory, a set of words
I know the rational truth about death and permanence.
I know that he is lost.
But my heart would have me sit in the room and stare at the ceiling light.
And you can tell me he is at peace, and in the arms of God…
And my heart will still search.
Whatever the comforting truth is… My heart doesn’t care
And as the time passes, I get further and further from sanity
Because my heart says that I will keep searching


One thought on “And then my heart says…

  1. I, too, keep searching. Keep waiting and looking for his car to come up the driveway. Our hearts can not reconcile the truth with the yearning for a return. Sending you wishes for any comfort you can find and any semblance of peace that you can find.


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